I keep getting lonely these days.
All the memories from years ago comeback again.
It’s not the same pain,
It’s not the same scars.
It’s the new one. whit the same pain, maybe…
I don’t know since when it start,
but I keep feeling lonely and scared and worry.
I don’t know what am I worried about,
I don’t know what am I scared about,
It just happen.
Everytime I think about my life, I’m gettin sad and cry,
Everytime I think about my future, I’m tearing up.
It’s hard to tell other people,
I scared that they will scoff at me,
I scared that they will see me in a weird way,
But I think,
I neep help.
That night , I was a little bit drunk …
Then a thought passing in my head
I think I’ve fallen in love with you
One thing for sure , this is something that I can’t handle
My heart can’t handle it
It beaten faster everytime our eyes met
Your voice is the most melodious thing that I ever heard
I remember you chuckling every time I joked
I remember every wrinkle lines that form every time you laugh
Then I realize ,
I’m a little bit drunk
so I try to throw away that thought
the next day, when I was already sober
that thought come back
I think I’m still drunk
Then the next day , I keep thinking the same thing ..
I tried to calm myself by saying that I am still a little bit drunk
Then the next day ..
The thought that I’m fallen for you is comeback …
That was a horrible and painful thing to think about
I hope , this is not love
It just because I’m drunk
What it means to live freely ?
” Not living according to what people want ,
living according to what you have ,
living while doing what you want to do ,
not getting scolded while living like that ” .
I think ,
right now I don’t have a consciousness
I’m not aware with a reality
that we must
that we should
that we have to
that we shall
“Live” in the definition of other people
“Live” with others expectation
“Live” to obey the rule
People said ,
I waste my time
I wasted an opportunity
But , I said
I’m trying to live
living with my on way
live according to my personal opinion
I just want to live
even though I’m in the unconscious state ,
at least I live on my way
I’m living my ownself
at least I feel that I’m ALIVE
If I had a chance ,
If I could be reborn ,
I want to be born without anyone beside me .
What’s the difference anyway ?
Couple years ago ,
I was born into the world
with bunch of people cherish on me ,
they’re greet me happily ,
but now ,
as time passed …
I feel like they tortured me
I hurt , they hurt me ,
many times .
There’s a lot of people around me ,
but I’m lonely
It felt like , I could kill myself anytime
They hurt me everytime they talk
Their words strangle my neck
Their grin stab my heart
Their laugh shove my pride
I Living In Hell
That pain .
I keep it , far away …
at the bottom of my heart .
That insult ,
I throw it far
That scar ,
I hide it well
That mockery ,
scattered my dream thousand times .
That hurtful words ,
destroy my soul every night
I pretend that nothing happen
I try to smile brightly ,
as bright as sunshine
I laughing hard and loud
the more I getting pain , the louder I laugh
That wound is stinging ,
but I keep and hide it well …
very well ,
so well , till I even didn’t feel hurt anymore …
I hide it so well ,
When I view at my heart ,
it was numb ,
it was die .
Then I realize ,
myself is barely breathing …
myself is trying to live again …
but I can’t
I hide it so well