If I had a chance ,

If I could be reborn ,

I want to be born without anyone beside me .

What’s the difference anyway ?

Couple years ago ,

I was born into the world

with bunch of people cherish on me ,

they’re greet me happily ,

but now ,

as time passed …

I feel like they tortured me

this family

this society

I hurt , they hurt me ,

many times  .

There’s a lot of people around me ,

but I’m lonely

It felt like , I could kill myself anytime

that word

that sentence

They hurt me everytime they talk

Their words strangle my neck

Their grin stab my heart

Their laugh shove my pride


I Living In Hell

I hide it

That pain .

I keep it , far away …

at the bottom of my heart .

That insult ,

I throw it far

That scar ,

I hide it well

That mockery ,

scattered my dream thousand times .

That hurtful words ,

destroy my soul every night


I pretend that nothing happen

I try to smile brightly ,

as bright as sunshine

I laughing hard and loud

the more I getting pain , the louder I laugh

That wound is stinging ,

but I keep and hide it well …

very well ,

so well , till I even didn’t feel hurt anymore …

I hide it so well ,

When I view at my heart ,

it was numb ,

it was die .

Then I realize ,

myself is barely breathing …

myself is trying to live again …

but I can’t

Because ,

I hide it so well


People say ,

Home is where the heart rest ..

Home is a comfortable place ..

But ,

I don’t think so

I even more lonely when I’m at home 

more devastated when I’m at home

All this time ,

I had a reason to run away from home ,

I had a reason to be busy so I didn’t need to stay at home 

But this time , isn’t longer …..

I had to find another excuse to be able to run away again from home 

Like many years ago ,

I was forced to leave my own “home”

It’s seems like imprint on my mind ,

that I shouldn’t be at home 

I’m not fit to be at home 

or ,

Is it what I called home , isn’t my real home ? 


Everyone changed

and only me , who stuck in the same place 

Everyone ran ,

and it seems I’m the only one who just start to crawl

Everyone has a change in their life , 

and I still the same 

Sometimes it hurts 

almost everytime it hurts 

as if everyone changed for the better , 

and I’m the only one without change ..

I think I’m afraid 

afraid to change 

I have a fear to change , 

it’s like everything gonna dissappear the minute I change 

but ,

I was also afraid to miss something better 

I don’t wanna lose from others 

I think I’m crazy 

I think , 

I have a mental disorder 

I think ,

I’m the one who punish myself 

















I am Pagliacci ..
I still Pagliacci ..
and ..

I want to stop being Pagliacci 

I want to cry when my heart broken 

I want to mourn when my life is miserable ..
I do not want to be Pagliacci forever ..